Posted in Uncategorized

Opposites

Mitch Teemley

opposites_attract-56685They say, you know “they,” they say it’s a fact

that Opposites nearly always attract.

And yet Opposites also sometimes attack.

So why don’t we simply give ‘em the sack?

Because Opposites are relational crack,

they cling to our teeth like emotional plaque,

and build up inside our intestinal tracts.

So here’s a thought, let’s make a pact

to never take any more Opposite flak,

no matter how much the deck is stacked.

We’ll rule the game like what’s-his-name, Shaq,

and debug the hearts they so heartlessly hacked!

Aw, who am I kidding? I know I’ll fall back

into the abyss next time I’m distract-

-ed by that woman who has a knack

for stretching my heart on a riotous rack.

Because, in the end, the intractable fact

is that all of the parts I seem to lack

are there in the woman whose heart is wracked

by me, the…

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Posted in Holidays, Weather

Amidst the Fog

The fog rolled in heavy late last night and has stayed so far to mid morning, thicker than I have seen it in a while. I am hoping it is the beginning of a cold front as cooler weather would be lovely for Christmas. I also, however, could not help but hum creepy music and half expect creatures to burst forth from it as I walked through this morning. I was kind of disappointed when it did not happen.

I make these mistakes sometimes, that my life is not actually part of a movie or other fictional story. In no way is it due to my being some haughty kind of person, it is truly just because I feel so detached sometimes. Feel as though the part of me that is aware of being conscious cannot physically feel my body all the time. Honestly, there may be times I forget that it is there. I can go days, maybe weeks, without looking in a mirror. I regularly lay my hand across the base of my throat while I am pondering and more times than should be I get suddenly concerned about the shape of my collarbone. And not too long ago I was so startled by some freckles I had them checked out – it occurred to me after that they had probably always been there. Perhaps I don’t match my own perception of me.

One might say I am not in tune with my body but I am very much aware of it’s everyday pain: stomach cramps that take me to my knees, headaches that cause halos, neck pain that makes me nauseous and my rebellious joints that announce my movement with their resounding pops and crackles. It is there, I register it but it is my normal – my baseline – so there is this ability to create a void of space between the connections. It might also be another ever widening crack in the brokenness of my psyche, we shall see.

Might be why I was so aware of the fog this morning, it kind of snapped me back, reminded me I exist with it’s ever present moist weight against my skin. Nerve endings activated as it rolled by, undulating with the shift in temperatures. Shadows and reflections darting back and forth, teasing at the possibility of monsters in the mist. The increased pressure against my ear drums creates a barely audible hum, like that vibration you get when someone walks up behind you. For once in a long while, I didn’t feel so alone.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Live To Fight Another Day

Lonely Blue Boy

e253aa83c8653741643cbcf502f9ffef--take-care-of-you-quotes-care-free-quotes“It’s not enough,” I whispered to my body.
“We’ve got to push some more.”
“I’m tired,” it replied gasping for air.
“Can’t you see how far we’ve come?”
I looked back for the first time 
and saw all the obstacles we’ve jumped
and saw all the battles with depression we’ve won.
I looked at my body
and saw all the fresh wounds dripping with blood.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered to my body.
“I’m sorry for not looking back.”
There was silence.
“It’s okay,” it replied taking a deep breath.
“We live to fight another day.”
And we both slept to the delicate sound of our heart.
I am enough.
I am enough.
I am enough.

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Posted in Dreams

Dreamland Dissonance

Dreams, nightmares, REM reveries…they come in all forms and they all come for me. I have always been one to have lots of dreams and even remember them regularly. So much so that a lot of time the dreams feel familiar – the way visiting your favorite restaurant feels. The atmosphere, the buildings, the sights and sounds all feel like I have been there before and honestly probably have – a well constructed reusable backdrop for my dreams to act out against.

Most of the time it is just brain goop gibberish. I dream about fish evolving to swim through the air (flying eels are beautiful), about humans learning to breathe underwater with the help of what I am pretty sure were giant submerged hamster tubes, about the invasion of the growing giant crabs that only I seemed to notice. 95% of my dreams are water related and it is almost always flooding in the dreams, so slowly no one else notices, and no matter where you try to drive your car will surely shrink as you are driving it. I enjoy these dreams, they are solid and dependable – even the scary or mareish ones. And water, even on an impending doom level, is very soothing to me.

The dreams that are not welcome, however, are the recurring ones. I have had a history with long standing recurring dreams. Once had to see a Dr. when I was a kid because I had become so reluctant to sleep after months of the same dream haunting me. That one was an inception type dream I couldn’t seem to wake up from – dream within a dream within a dream. This current one is of a single particular day that upset me very much and still does. It’s a day that ended without an answer to an important question – more so, implied that said answer does not exist. My brain does not compute such a thing and has held onto this happening vigorously, replaying it, analyzing it, picking it apart hoping to find the ultimate clue to solve the mystery. Thus, however, prolonging my suffering of something I probably could have forgotten by now.

FOR 2 AND A HALF YEARS I HAVE NOT GOTTEN ANY CLOSER TO SOLVING THIS RIDDLE, no seriously, over 2 fucking years of 1-3 times a month.

So, if anyone has any tips or tricks to break this cycle please let me know. This shit is getting ridiculous….

 

Posted in Introvert, Uncategorized

Small Talk and Shadows

I tend to run into people I know/knew more around this time of year, maybe it’s because they are out more but most likely because I am out more. Regardless of how I feel about the holidays, gifts must still be bought and despite ordering most all of them online this year, I still found myself forced to run to the store for odds and ends way too many times.

I don’t approach or make the first move but it almost always happens that they recognize me, which just boggles my mind sometimes. Had someone once recognize me from grade school – Really? Have I really not changed so much to warrant that ability? Either way, I do the usual dance. Say Hey, How you been?, Good to see you!. If I get lucky, they also feel the awkwardness and we both wish each other well and part ways. More than not, however, they feel the need to reconnect and make plans. Meet up for coffee and mindless small talk? No, thank you. Friend me on social media so I can lurk through your posts and pictures? No, thank you. Exchange numbers so you can screen me through to voicemail? Maybe, if it breaks the hold and I can plan my escape from the situation.

As I have gotten older I have become more honest. I can directly say I am not interested in such things, though I like to add a dash of extreme to really knock the point home and discourage further banter. “Sorry, I don’t leave the house much – have kind of become a hermit.” People like to assume there was something to cause such a shift and dance around it gingerly like the topic of a deceased pet. I let them assume. No great tragedy forced me to seek the comfort of my ‘bat cave’, I just don’t like people and attempting to have friends and having them fail me on the regular becomes awful bothersome. I stopped bothering. And honestly, attempting to ‘hang out’ with someone who just reminds me of the past shadows I fought my way out of does not sound like a good time.

I have a few good ones and I maintain the contact through social media, even if they are within coffee meet distance – I enjoy my virtual buffer of the inter webs. While I falter and second guess my words in real life, my tapped and typed out sentences seem to flow much more eloquently – and allow me to say what I mean without the barrage of perceived guilt my darkness delivers in cute little packages of self-doubt.

It does get lonely sometimes, it is a well known fact that people require social interaction on some sub atomic level or something. I am lucky enough to have friends who understand and relate (actually have a standing agreement with one that we’re both allowed to turn the other way if we see each other in public). Even have friends and acquaintances who put things out on multiple platforms that allow me to feel like I am apart of something social, without leaving the bat cave. That is quite something special to me. Here is one of my favorites right now:

Ruckus IIV on YouTube

Enjoy my shameless plug of it, free of charge. His related Skitzos channel is also very entertaining.

What about you? Are you a social butterfly or hiding hermit? In what ways do you reach out for connection when the walls start to close in – or seek silence when the crowd becomes all too loud?

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Posted in Depression, Holidays, life, sadness

Snowglobe Effect

I’ve liked snow globes since I was a kid, enamored by the swirling self contained chaos that settled into a peaceful scene. I imagined the pure fear and destruction that those little ceramic people must feel, frozen in place with their smiles amidst the ferocious flurry of glitter snow they could not control. Could almost hear the ominous silence as the little flecks settled sheepishly to the bottom.

Having been born and raised in a place that offers annual ‘hurricane seasons’ to be regularly survived, I have been lucky enough to stand in the eye of a hurricane more times than I should have attempted. But that is the silence I imagined, no birds, no nature sounds, no nothing – just the kind of silence that puts a weight in your heart and a pit in your stomach. Silence that bathes you in fear and power and begs you to stay while threatening to destroy you, a whisper of a hum in the distance as the wall approaches.

Life is like that, just not always so extreme or condensed so we miss it sometimes – the snow globe effect. That which is turbulent will eventually exhaust itself and relent into peace, and that which lays calmly is only awaiting to be stirred into chaos. One only dances because the other has ceased but nothing lasts forever and if you were observant, you would realize you wouldn’t want it to.

In a world so preoccupied with black and white and extremes, I try to appreciate the grays around me. It’s honestly what’s always made the most sense, appeared the most achievable. I couldn’t seem to grasp this happiness thing people were always haphazardly exuding, how could you be happy when the world was such a mess. I could find peace sometimes though, that was my gray and I welcomed it. I was and am always aware of the snow globe effect and honestly it has imbued me with sometimes crippling anxiety and ocd awaiting the inevitable snowstorm. However it has made me always prepare for the worst and value the almost best…and capable of seeing the beauty in the chaos.

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